Dear Dud: Max Factor 2000 Calorie Lash Mascara

Max Darling,

I have to be honest here, I fell for you in-store because of the age thing. That handsome older type, you just ooze history and experience that a girl simply can’t resisit. Unfortunately, that’s not all you ooze.

You’re a clumpy bugger aren’t you? and kind of sleazy in a sticky way. I thought with all that history you would know a little about formula, but instead of separating my long lashes, all you manage to effectively do is stick them together and frustrate the hell out of me!

Want Drama? You promise. Sure, doesn’t every girl? But no-one wants the drama of having to separate clumps lash by lash.

What’s all this about 300 hundred times the volume? Yeah, right. Maybe if I give you 300 chances at getting it right!

Ok, so you might be smudge proof and touch proof, but you are definitely not foolproof, because since you were part of that cute Valentine’s pack, I fell for it, hook, line and sinker!

Well, no more I tell you. It’s just not going to work out for us Max.

It’s over…get the message and go cling hopelessly to someone else’s lashes!

Dear Dud: Creme de Corps…I’m breaking up with you.

Dear Creme De Corps,

You are like the Bentley of the beauty world. You’ve been around forever, you have stood the test of time, you have a legion of fans globally…But…

I’m just not that into you.

I wanted to like you. So much that on a whim I almost gave in a bought a huge bottle. Celebrities swoon over you and designers fall over backward to create your lovely limited edition bottles, so I’m not surprised I fell for the hype. Add in a very knowledgeable and lovely sales person and I almost fell hard. In hindsight I’m glad practicality won out and I bought a small bottle because I’m sorry to say, it is just not going to work out between us.

Firstly, you are greasy and after our time together I feel dirty and that in a sexy I just scored kinda way. You sit on top of my skin instead of sinking in and nourishing it and to be blunt… You’re just a bit too thick.

As for my skin the next morning…sure it has a certain softness about it, but I get that from other cheaper products too, so I wouldn’t say you are different or unique. You just know how to sell yourself. I’d rather my Burts Bees Richly Replenishing Cocoa & Cupuaçu Butters Body Lotion any day. It provides good consistant results, has just the right texture and most importantly does not break my wallet for a bottle. I mean seriously $38 for a 250ml is a bit rich isn’t it. Even with the price drop you are still overcharging honey.
There’s something else I feel I should mention too, because it is kinda the deal breaker. You smell. Not lovely and feminine. You smell like a tin of freshly opened paint upon application and with a little time kind of musty like I image damp socks would smell when someone (not me) forgets to hang up the washing.

So you see it is never going to work out for us. You’ve left both my wallet and me feeling empty.

But I’m sure you’ll get over it. You have a reputation for getting around after all.